Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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