the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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