You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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