I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
