If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
