fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
