Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
