HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Randomize
