dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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