you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
