Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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