you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
