whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
