What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
