my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
