Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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