i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
