btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
