"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
