My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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