You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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