I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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