Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
