She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
