I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
