Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
