Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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