I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
