What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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