Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
