i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
