summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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