is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
