my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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