hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
