i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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