its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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