I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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