I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
