After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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