the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
