her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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