I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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