wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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