i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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