Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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