I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
