Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
