please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
BRING THE BAGELS
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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