I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
