Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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