I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
