hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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