so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
