How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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