Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
