people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
