I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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