I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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