I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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