So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
