he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while Iโm driving down the highway
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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