every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
