She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
