I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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