You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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