He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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