i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
