my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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