seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
