my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
