Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
