Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
